Disappointing Loser
by yaoiFantasy
Summary: complete - A rage from within Squall's mind on the pain that he's gone through, the sorrow that torments him, and how he's disappointed those around him...


// Disappointing Loser 

**// By: Julie, April 2002  
// Squall's POV**

**// Don't ask. I was -really- feeling shitty at the moment I wrote this. So... yeah, this is what happens when I feel like crying and turn to writing...**

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Lost. Alone in the misery. All I know if that I must face tomorrow. Why?

Why is there always another day in this dreadful existence I call my life? Why is there always this pain I can't shed away? Why is there always this depression that swallows me whole?

I hurt. No one sees, though. I hid away the pain. No one knows. No one wants to know. What I feel inside.

Deep into the depth of me. My soul. The essence of my spirit.

No one wants to help me. They say they do... but its just kind words

Hurt.

Fear.

Loser.

That's what I am. A loser. Everyone says so. 

I'm so afraid to disappoint you. Do I? 

Do I make a sorry version of who you thought I was? Do I lack the fire everyone says I have? Do I give my name shame?

I know I disappoint you. I can see it in your eyes.

And every day when you have to hug me and tell me its alright, I know your fed up. 

Why can't I get better? Why can't I be better? Why does this depression keep chasing me? 

I hurt. Inside. From the words spoken by the people that should have loved me. From the actions of those I trusted with my heart. 

My heart. Now just a broken, shattered useless part of me. No one would want it.

I know no one wants me. Its the truth. I see it in their eyes. And hear in when I cry. Because I'm a loser.

Disappointing loser.

That's what they told me I am. That's what they told me I'd always be. So here I am... a disappointing loser.

I know I make a sorry version of the person you thought I was. I know I don't deserve the pleasure you try to give me. And I know I'm weak, when you thought I was strong.

I give so much. Because that's what people want from me. To take. Take from the loser... he doesn't need your sympathy. 

And I don't. Because I already know I'm a disappointing loser.

This life of mine. Why does it keep going? Why can't it end? 

I hurt so much. Bruises showed their love deep. I thought they wanted me. They said so... when they hurt me. Looked into my eyes and told me so. 

That they wanted to be my friend, when all they wanted was to use me. They dealt with me, just to use who I am and what I would - could give.

Perhaps its an addiction I've grown to need. To be hurt. To feel this pain. Depressed obsessions.

Disappointing loser. 

Maybe I enjoy the title. Which is why I can't escape from the pain. The hurt. The Fear.

Loser.

I know I disappoint you.

I should be strong, but I'm not. I should be happy, but I'm sad. I should be over it by now... that's what you said... when you broke my heart.

"Get over your depression... its getting old."

Tears are a beautiful thing. 

They are my soul bleeding. Those scars on my spirit that you'll never see. What you've done to me. What you do to me. With everything you said, and everyway you look at me. And every time I cry. And every tear I dry.

My bleeding soul. The blue tears shattering the icy shell I've built. The shell I've formed around my emotions.

Cracks along the edging. I am weak, just as you always told me. I can't even protect my own emotions from the bright, harsh light of the day.

They are supposed to be frozen. Suppose to be hidden away. Locked deep within me.

Damn my bleeding soul for making me so weak.

I am a disappointing loser. Even to myself. I guess it was only obvious that you all would hate me to.

In the end.

Abandonment. Being along. Long forgotten in the waves of time.

Hurt. Fear. Loser.

I'm so afraid to disappoint you. But I have. I saw it in your eyes. The look of pity.

But don't pity me. I don't deserve your sympathy.

I'm a disappointing loser. 

I try so hard. To make you proud. But I realize you just used me. Since I wasn't everything you thought I'd be. 

And I'm still here. Take what you want. Take from me. And leave me drained. My heart broken, shattered to pieces. And my soul bleeding its blue tears.

You won't forget me, will you? I know... you'll only remember as the disappointing loser... but at least I won't be forgotten.

The Disappointing Loser...


End file.
